So, what's in a name?

It is so hard sometimes for independent women, women with the last of the family name, women who identify with who they are and don't know if they want to change, or women who just don't like the sound of their potential name when getting married to make the "last name" decision:

To change or not to change?

The Knot answers the question about deciding to take on a new name quickly and concisely...

Q. I am getting married in four weeks and can't decide what to do with my last name. I want to take my husband's name, but as the last generation with my family name, I feel a need to retain it. I am also attached to my middle name, so I don�t wish to make my maiden name my middle name. I've thought about hyphenating, but our names don't sound right together. I am looking for a way to take both last names and keep my middle name. What are the options?

A. Why not just add your husband's last name to the end of yours? That way you could legally retain your middle name and given last name, plus add his. You wouldn't have to write out the entire thing every time, as you would if you hyphenated. So for example, if your name is Jennifer Ann Jones, you could become Jennifer Ann Jones Smith. You could then shorten that to Jennifer Smith, or you could go by Jennifer Jones Smith, and so on. Simply adding his last name is one way to have it all!

.... but I know from personal experience that the decision, with its finite options, can be much harder than it appears in a one paragraph answer. I had to ask myself the same question 7 years ago.

Much like the woman in the article above, I come from a family that also has few options for carrying on the family name. Moreover, I felt strongly about keeping my name. After all, for me it was part of my identity. I have no problem saying that I am a fairly independent, strong...or stubborn...woman.

I went through the same, very real, and hard decision with my first marriage. My maiden name is Freal, and my married name-t0-be was Bahl (pronounced Ball). Brynn (pronounced Brin) Bahl just sounded silly, not to mention an awful lot like a sport...Brynn Bahl-broom ball?! And even more silly? Adding my middle initial to the mix. Brynn C. Bahl. To me, and to everyone else I tried it on....it sounded like "bouncy ball". To this day I thank my dear friend Andrea for begging me to think about how I would feel after years of jokes.

My, now ex, husband was very understanding and sympathetic with my plight...but, no amount of pleading or bargaining could get him to agree to take MY last name! However, he wasn't upset that I was so connected to my family to want to save the name. What was truly important was that we loved each other and were getting married. It wasn't about the name.

So, what did I do?

Legally....I did nothing. I kept my original name. And when addressed formally, I went by Mrs. Bahl. For me, it was as simple as that. I believe this is also what Jennifer Aniston did when she married Brad Pitt. She kept her name, Jennifer Aniston, but went formally by Mrs. Brad Pitt.

I know exactly what brides are going through, and it is a hard decision to make. I wanted to take the traditional route and take my new husband's last name as a sign of solidarity, but I also knew that being in a solid marriage meant more than just having the same last name. I look back on my decision now and know that my instinct for keeping my name, was a good one. I never had a second thought.

I suggest that couples talk about the decision and the options together, but that the bride take her time (as long as it takes) and explore all of the options before making such an important decision. Above all, follow your heart and your instinct.

Disney's dream dresses available now!

What that you say? Walt in Weddings?

The Disney brand is spreading into bridal dresses to go with the fairy tale weddings you can have at there theme parks. You can now have your wedding dress modeled after your favorite Disney princess.

The 34 gowns by designer Kirstie Kelly were inspired by princesses like "Sleeping Beauty", "Cinderella" and "Beauty and the Beast"; and run anywhere in cost from $1500.00 to $3000.00. They do tend to cost more than the average gown price, which now runs at just about $1000.00. But to be your favorite princess on your wedding day? Priceless.

What's that I say? Yahoo!

As a fan of Disney everything, this is an exciting day for me! I've got my yearly pass, I spend at least one day a month at Disneyland and the new California Adventure Park and I enjoy every minute of it! Although this may be just the start of Disney's move toward other items geared at the adult (and the home) that grew up with Disney...what better a way to bring some of the magic back into their lives?!

Here at Encantare our tag line is "Let your dream begin.", and now Disney is helping us do just that!

But I don't have a sister...

I just finished a magnificent and classic wedding on board the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA. (Congratulations Isabella and Ken!) And, as always, there were a few things to overcome on the way to perfection.

This time?

A sister that didn't exist.

And a new on-site event team.

Now, we ALL know that the Queen Mary is haunted (right?), but this was going a little far...even for me. When I called to try and discuss the final arrangements with one of the QM's catering assistants, she told me about Maria, the bride's sister. Evidently Maria wanted to significantly change items on the menu, as well as how the bar was being handled.

The problem?

First, only the bride, groom, or coordinator working on their behalf have the ability to change items. Beyond that, there are usually no changes allowed by the venue or vendors in the few short days prior to the event.

Beyond this?

The bride didn't have a sister! The couple didn't even know anyone named Maria...and this was about to cause me more trouble than I ever expected.

The fictional family member caused the catering assistant to inform everyone on the venues event team not to speak to anyone but the bride. Meanwhile, the bride had requested that I speak to the event team on her behalf since she was busy playing hostess to many guests from abroad. She also trusted me enough to allow me the freedom of decision making, knowing I would always do right by her and her event.

Okay, not a problem for me, a coordinator. That's my job.

Isn't it?

It turned out that the lead Queen Mary coordinator assigned to our event, stopped working for the venue shortly before our event. So, when the event file started making it's way to the new site coordinator, the fact that the bride had a wedding coordinator seemed to disappear. Also, the catering assistant's order for the crew only to speak with the bride circumvented me completely and the bride got hopping mad.

She was getting deluged with phone calls from several on-site coordinators in different departments, and kept telling them to speak with me. Thankfully after a few phone calls an a bit of explaining, it was all sorted out with the chapel coordinator. But when it came time to deal with the head for the rehearsal dinner....I got no return call. What did I get? Accused of being Maria. And an apology shortly after.

It turned out she was not in direct communication with the bride or me, but with the catering assistant. So, who can fault her for not knowing the real story?

I do have to tell you, it all worked out in the end...but to this day no one has ever been able to figure out who the mysterious Maria was, and why someone would want to change a wedding order just before the big day. Was it just a case of mistaken identity?

We may never know.

But, what I do know is how very important good communication is.

So, whenever there is a change in your event staffing, which most often happens once at venues such as hotels and larger event sites (from sales to event staff), make sure your entire planning team is familiar with your whole venue team to prevent things like this from creating havoc, drama and stress when you need it least. By making solid connections and introductions, you can alleviate some of the many hurdles down the road to Happily Ever After.

A Call to Arms for Industry Professionals

I just got an OUTSTANDING email from Clover Chadwick, founder of the Hollywood based floral design company Dandelion Ranch. I have to say, it was one of the most innovative things I've seen in floristry over the course of my career. And it isn't creating a new way to design flowers.

It all started a few months back when a local, high-end wedding show had an idea that had the whole industry abuzz. The theme of the show wasn't about The Bride. Instead, it was about The Planet. Their theme was about doing things for your wedding that were environmentally friendly.

I'll admit, after attending the Soolip Wedding show in March, I too was on a quest for more new and innovative ways to make what I do, and vendors I choose, for my clients more "green." I've always been a hero of saving this beautiful planet, a loyal watcher of things like "Baraka" and "Planet Earth". And, after all, I was the person mortified and a bit unstable when someone I knew said something to the effect of, "I won't be here when the world goes to hell, so why should I care or change now?", when I suggested they watch Al Gore's global masterpiece "An Inconvenient Truth".

Now we can come back to how a single floral vendor, Clover Chadwick took her call to arms from the Soolip show seriously.

Here are excerpts from her email:

Ms Clover Chadwick, founder of Dandelion Ranch, was surprised to discover that floral foam, a product indispensable to many florists for their arrangements, was not only non-biodegradable, but highly toxic and potentially linked to incidences of lung cancer. After her investigations for an alternative through her regular floral supply channels came up short, she got creative and found a product used by other industries with a similar consistency to floral foam and even better water retention, so it could be used for the foundation of her arrangements, but is all natural and biodegradable.

“Without floral foam, or something like it, I would have had to change my entire design philosophy, which may have resulted in a disastrous loss of income, but floral foam being so bad, I was ready do just that,” says Ms Chadwick. “It’s time we all do our part, as minimal as it may be. Every gesture counts. Every action that may result in less pollution is paramount to the future of all living things on this planet.

I was, however, a little disappointed in the email. After years of working in a floral design shop myself, I wanted to know what the product is!

I need to know what the product is! I understand it may have been intentionally left out of the email, but with something that can make this much of a positive impact, I believe the responsible and respectful thing to do is share it openly and quickly.

I would love to see all the florists I work with to not only start using this new product, but to also start to a conversation with the makers of their beloved "oasis" (aka: floral foam) and find ways to get them to make their product more environmentally friendly. To change it in a way that benefits generations to come.

In light of all that is happening in our world today, I would hope that all the professionals in our industry and all of the brides and grooms-to-be will research ideas on how their weddings, and the planning of them, can do more to "be green."

The bags full of information that I brought home from "A Soolip Wedding" this year were a great starting place.

So, I'm going to dig around a bit to try to find out just what this particular product is to satisfy my own curiosity and share what I find.

I'm asking all of you to do the same. Research something! Anything! And bring it to the attention of the world in the best way you know how.

Or share it with me, and I'll post it here.

For now though, a HUGE "Thank You" to Dandelion Ranch for doing their part to change the world for the better, and for inspiring me to do my part!

I look forward to learning how many other industry professionals are doing the same. And to sharing what I learn with you along the way.

Bridal Bliss to Budget Bust: Part Two

Let's see....we left at, "how do you fix it?" Let's just get down to brass tacks.

First, for the sake of making this all relevant, let's do a little budget reminder. Your site fees (which typically include tables, chairs, linens, china, etc.) and catering cost (food, beverage and service) allotments should add up to approximately 50% of the total wedding budget. So, in this case, a total budget would be $30,000.00. We left off last time with $21,000.00 of that already spent.

Remember that the bride, groom and I have already done a "Round Robin" with the contract, but I haven't spoken to that "lovely site person, behind a large mahogany desk" yet. It is my firm belief that personal meetings go a lot farther than telephone calls do, so I use the telephone only briefly to make an introduction and an appointment to go over the contract with the sales associate. This usually requires the couple also calling the sales associate, to introduce their coordinator, permitting contact to occur.

(I get some grumbling about this phone call because it's just one more thing brides and grooms have to do on the way to that alter, but it is for a good reason...privacy issues and identity fraud. Soon I'll tell you an anecdote about how it can and nearly did happen to one of my own. Look for an upcoming post called: "But I don't have a sister....")

The meeting.

Meeting with the sales person for the first time is best done one-on-one, coordinator vs. sales person. I've found it works best to use a third person to mediate (or leverage) a settlement, rather than an emotional bride and groom trying to do it alone or with a coordinator trying to tend to them and still try to make "the deal". And, since you'll be married forever, having a third party use mediation techniques, which are used in divorce all the time, will give you one-time option to see how it works!

Above all, discussions with the sales person must be totally honest, open and very....saccharine. Remember the old, catching flies with honey bit? This is the time to use it. Depending on the policies of the venue, a few things can happen. The most likely are:

Option One

You'll get "extras" thrown into the package you currently have. Such as, a night or two in a premium room for the bride and groom (if the location is a hotel), an extra hour to take photos on their premises and an extra side dish selection, or chair covers and the specialty linens. This is where asking for the moon comes in. If you get a handful of stars, be ecstatic. Usually you'll get one or two.

Option Two

You can discuss options for stepping out of the contract, forfeiting the date reservation there, and moving on. Sometimes when this is done immediately, a couple can walk away without losing anything but time. Then again, sometimes, there will be a fee attached for having the venue hold the date (meaning, not being able to sell it to someone else while it was under contract). And this fee...can be darn near anything.

If the fee is already stated in an exit clause of the contract, then you already know what you're in for. Often it can be very high, so negotiating works well here too. However, if there is no fee mentioned, I suggest making a peace offering to the venue for all of their trouble. If a contract was signed less than five days ago, I suggest offering $100 a day for their inconvenience. If it has been more than five days, the offer might look like this: $500 for a week, $1,000 for two weeks, and so on.

Now, I hear those of you out there going..."I thought she was going to tell us how to fix our budget, not spend more money"...$500 to fix a 4 or 5 thousand dollar mistake can sometimes be in the best interest of all involved. Even paying up to $2,500 would make this a better situation. Keep in mind what your end goal is going to be. It would be better to find a new venue for $15,000, and pay $2,500 to get out of the fix you're in now, than to pay $21,000.00. Right?

Option Three

You're stuck.

You're saying to yourselves right now: What do you mean....we're stuck?

Well, it might not be as bad as you think. If this is the place of your dreams and you're getting great food, service and rental items...then not all is lost. The good news is, you still have options. Since the first thing all good couples do is find their venue (right?!?), there is still a lot of wiggle room in the budget. Side note: another good first thing to do is pick a coordinator.

First, remembering that the guests are there to enjoy this life changing event with you, and not necessarily the floral arrangements or the fancy save-the-date cards and matching themed invitations, can help a great deal. And, if you're thinking to yourself right now, "these don't sound like my guests", then you need to change your guest list!

Which brings us to...changing the guest list!

Reviewing your guest list can be very helpful when looking at places to cut your budget. Many couples feel obligated to let single friends invite dates, or to let their parents invite people that they've never or rarely met (such as bosses, neighbors, etc). These extra people can be whittled down to those precious few that actually make up your families and nearest-and-dearest extended families and friends. Think about the true core of people in your lives. These should be the people sharing in your wedding day with you. And, by shaving a percentage off of your guest list, you can save a lot of money when it comes to other things!

Many people are adverse to down sizing their guest lists, but I have to tell you, a smaller and more intimate crowd of people often gives a wedding more magic. There are rarely awkward seat pairings between people who have never met or will ever meet again, it gives the bride and groom more time to spend with each and every guest, and so on.

Also, if you're downsizing your guest list, why not downsize your wedding party too? If you haven't already asked people to be your wedding attendants, then think about limiting the number to two or three a piece. Many couples feel a need for 5, 6, 7 or 8 wedding attendants...EACH! Purchasing gifts for all 10, 12, 14 or 18 bridesmaids and groomsmen then becomes a giant financial burden (at $100 each, that could be $1,800.00!).

If you go from a guest list of 150 down to 125 0r even 110, you'll find prices in other categories plummeting. You can order fewer invitations, you don't need as many favors, and you'll need fewer floral arrangements because you have fewer tables.

Other options?

You wanted peonies...in August? Being mindful of which flowers are in season during your wedding period will help defray costs in a way you might not believe!

Make your own invitations. Or hire a friend that makes amazing scrapbooks to help you, instead of doing the letter pressed-heavy weight card stock-with gold leafing invitations, programs and menu cards, can also save you lots of precious and finite money.

You can even cut cost with favors. Do what one of my previous couples did and give one favor per couple, while giving singles their own. Or just making a one time donation to your favorite charity (you'll get cards you can put on each table, or often at each place setting to inform your guests of the charitable gift in their honor). You'd be saving your budget, while helping someone else. That should feel good!

There are many ways to help put your budget back on the track to bridal bliss. Remember to be honest about your budget, be real in deciding how to balance your needs and your wants, and be creative!

Let your dream begin.

Invitations, an overview.

I know, I know, I know...I owe you the second part of Bridal Bliss to Budget Bust, however, something caught my eye today and I wanted to share it with you immediately because sometimes in the hurricane of life, thoughts go as quickly as they come. This particular thought, I believe, can give a lot of people heaps of helpful information. That being said...I will finish the second budgeting post in the coming days. Stay tuned!

In the link attached to this post, Martha Stewart's impeccable team of wedding experts have put together a wonderful cache of information on invitations. It describes many of the things that make wedding invitations so beautiful, so breathtaking, and so very unique: paper weight and type, color, style, finish, printing methods, typeface, embellishments, etc.

This article got the memory portion of my brain stirring about the questions asked most often when it comes to brides and grooms addressing their guests' invitations. Well, it also brought up how to word the actual invites, then all of the possible inserts, but that would be much more than just one post, so I decided to stick to the one facet that has so many rules: Addressing.

So, just how do you do it? Please accept this offering of tips and "hard and fast" (or soft and blurry) rules to help you through the arduous task of addressing your own wedding invitations:

First, I beg of you, remember that abbreviations should not be used in either the body of invitations or in addressing the envelopes.

My golden rule: When in doubt, spell it out!

If a street number is less than 100, it should also be spelled out. Also, you should be writing out words such as "Street" and "Boulevard". The only exception to the abbreviation rule is "Mr." it can, and most often is, abbreviated. (Don't look at me, I didn't write the rule. I'm just trying to clarify it.) Names are a monster all their own, and we'll slay that dragon in a few short paragraphs.

After years of reviewing resources, I've found that the postal service has a preference regarding state names, and sometimes that preference changes. Most often, they ask that people write out the city name and then use the two letter state abbreviation without a comma between the two. However, I love seeing magnificent script, penning both city and state names...but in this instance I would separate these with a comma. Either option is perfectly acceptable. However, I strongly recommend asking your local post master which addressing option is going to be more accurate in delivery. This cuts down on a slew of returned invitations.

When adding a return address to the envelopes, the postal service requests that return address be printed (meaning, legibly written...whether it is done in your own hand writing, letter pressed, or by a professional calligrapher) in the upper left hand corner of the envelopes, and not put on the envelope's flap. This also helps insure that your guests will be able to clearly interpret the return address in the event that they need to change their RSVP status, send a gift or other written communication. It is also acceptable to emboss your return address on the envelope's flap. That being said, the United States Postal Service does not regularly recognize embossing.

In the event that an invite has been returned due to lack of postage, incorrect postage or illegible address (and believe me, it happens more often than anyone would like to admit), the old envelope should be discarded and a new one addressed in its place. I recommend that you order a few extra invites and additional outer envelopes, and set aside a few fully assembled invitations in the event that you should have some returns or additional unexpected invites. This helps to cut down stress. And we all know, it is all in cutting out the stress that makes for an enjoyable planning process. That, my friends, is what I'm all about.

I think that covers the postal part of this, but remember that dragon (the names)? It's beginning to breathe fire out if its cave...

How do you address your guests?

Well, that becomes a little tricky. I highly suggest having an outer and inner envelope, this can help immensely in distinguishing who is actually invited, and not just mere intention.

For families and family members:

Never, ever use the words "and family" on your wedding invitation envelopes.

How then, do you invite family members? Well, the rules are a little fuzzy here...some sources say that children over the age of 13 should get their own invites, some say 16, others say 18. I say, do what you are most comfortable with and what your budget allows for. If you have lots of young cousins, you may want to rethink the age limit of 13!

The parents and adults, of course, get the first line...Mr. and Mrs. Albert Snow (you can also write out Mister and Missus, and if you are considering this, I suggest you speak to a calligrapher or review more resources as to the best options for this). On the inner envelopes, feel free to write Grandma, Uncle Mike, or Aunt June. The inner envelopes are for informal terms and additional invites not listed on the outer envelope.

If the parents have small children, the names of the parents are on the outer envelope and the small children can then be written on the inner envelope. Now, if the children are older (and again, use your judgement on this one...I think it should be done about the age of 8 or 10), their names should get a line below their parents. If you are not inviting young children, as many choose to do, then leaving the names off of the inner envelope is the indicator. Siblings over the age of 18, living together in a residence outside their parents' home should be refereed to as Misses Ann and Mary Smith (for sisters) or Messrs. Joe and Jack Smith (for brothers), and if they are brother and sister, Mr. and Miss is appropriate. Confused yet? Wait, it gets worse. But, you will have the answers when you need them, I promise.

For your single friends:

You have a dear friend, and you want that friend to be able to bring a guest...the outer envelope would say Miss Jones, while the inner envelope would say, for example, Miss Jones and Guest. That way Miss Jones knows she is invited to bring along a date. Now, if you are limited on space, and are not able to let Miss Jones invite an extra guest, the inner envelope should just say, Miss Jones.

The last piece of information I want to include is a small chronicle to help guide you along the remaining path to appropriate addressing, and here it is:

For multiple boys under 12 years (second address line): The Masters Snow
For multiple girls under 12 years (second address line): The Misses Snow
For one girl, over or under 12 years: Miss Snow
For one boy, over 12 years: Mr. Alex Snow
Unmarried woman: Miss
Unmarried man: Mr.
Married couple: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Husband as Ph.D., M.D. or D.D.S: Doctor and Mrs. Smith
Wife as Ph.D., M.D. or D.D.S: Doctor Ann Smith and Mr. Smith
Both are Ph.D., M.D. or D.D.S (with same last name): The Doctors Smith
Professor or Dean: Professor or Dean
Attorney: John Smith, Esq.
Office/Government/Judge, etc: The Honorable
Rabbi: Rabbi Jones
Catholic Priest: Reverend or Father (use Father on inner envelope)
Minister: Reverend
Military Office if Commissioned: Colonel and Mrs. Smith Second line:United States Navy
Widow: Mrs. Albert Smith
Divorced: Mrs. Ann Smith
Married with wife keeping maiden name: Ms. Ann Burns Second line: Mr. John Smith
Engaged couple or unmarried but living together: Miss Ann Burns Second line: Mr John Smith


Well folks, I think that about covers the mélange of possibilities of your guest combinations. I always look forward to the ones who will read all the way through this and give me more options. I am always looking for an opportunity to learn and grow. For now though, I hope that I have helped shed some insight into the mixed up, rule-laden land of invitation addressing.

Bridal Bliss to Budget Bust: Part One

I recently picked up the phone and at the other end was a sobbing bride. Although it was hard to discern what she was saying between the heaving breaths and wails, I did catch “this isn’t fun anymore”. It happened. This was the inevitable moment when the Budget Bliss Express came to a screeching halt on the wedding planning line.

After calming the anxious bride, it was apparent what had occurred. The budget met the bride and groom and for the first time the bride and groom met the cold, hard, fixed budget. The nitty-gritty hidden fees had eaten a hole in the seven tiered, fondant-covered confection they were hell-bent on shoving into each others’ faces a few short months from today.

“So”, you ask, “What caused things to go so awry?”

It is the same thing I’ve seen over and over. Clients call, terribly excited and over-the-moon with elation because they’ve secured their dream venue! And on top of that, the location fees, service fees, food and beverage cost are all included in the price! And…the price the couple is quoted for the “all inclusive” service just happens to be the maximum this couple can afford on their location and catering: $15,000.00 ($100 a head for 150 guests). And guess what!!!???....they already signed on the dotted line.

Don’t see the problem? Well, let’s lay it out.

Usually, when a bride and groom go alone to see a venue, and that venue is just what they’ve always dreamt of, emotions run high and they go to a very primal place in the decision making process. To compound the issue is a lovely site person, behind a large mahogany desk saying things like “well, we do have a lot of interest for this particular date” and “I can’t guarantee the pricing for this beyond today”.

I equate this moment to buying a car or watching “Deal or No Deal” on the television. This is essentially Howie asking that golden question, and this couple chooses the big red button-the deal is made. This sales person has conned them into signing a contract and the next thing they do is bring in a contract and show me what a good deal they found!

Once we begin talking about it, we are able to wade through the miles of legal jargon and find the true meaning of the “fine print’, and the well known “buyer’s remorse” sets in. Only this time, there is a binding contract in the way of returning this shiny new purchase. That $15,000.00, all-inclusive dream-come-true, does not include a 9% state sales tax, a 20% service charge, and the gratuity you’ll be expected to leave with your catering captain the night of your big event. So, there goes your specialty linens, Chivari chair rentals and your spectacular horse drawn carriage entrance. The $15,000 you expected to spend has now become $21,000.

The next issue, how do you fix it?

Part Two will continue when I “wake up quite fresh in the morning. And then…” I’ll start right in budget fixing again.

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